Barra who? Sorry, I don’t know him. My four top tips if you’re planning to climb a mountain in a snowstorm.

Hi all,

Nice specific blog this week.  Patrick & I are currently in the Highlands & thought it might be nice to go for a walk to see Steall Falls – a breathtakingly beautiful waterfall that had been recommended to us by the staff at the hotel in which we’re staying.  Great, nice to have a plan for the day.  Off we trot.

The weather is on the turn, a storm is brewing – Barra.  But that sounds like Barry, and no one has ever feared a Barry, have they?  He sounds cute, like Barry from Eastenders.  He didn’t deserve the end he met, but it’s pretty apt that he fell off a cliff and now I’m walking along one.  Serendipity, is that you? 

Patrick told me recently that his friend had suggested that we climb Ben Nevis whilst in Fort William, but Pads had told him that we couldn’t as “Maz isn’t born for the outdoors”.  All this from man who said that his winter jacket may be a bit overkill for today’s walk?  I was shocked, appalled and offended in equal measure.

Although he was right in what he said.  Always being one to choose the indoors, I make no bones about the fact that being warm is one of my top needs.  But beyond this need is my stubbornness to prove him wrong, so off we trotted to our impending doom…

Tip 1 - if a storm is coming, perhaps reconsider your desire to climb a mountain. 

Ok, so anyone who’s been to Steall Falls will tell you that this mountain is more of a big rocky hill, not quite the Ben Nevis I’m making it out to be.  But nevertheless, when it’s already -2 degrees and the sleet is travelling sideways and face-on, perhaps find a small pub somewhere, get a mulled wine (or several) and allow the storm to pass.  

Tip two - if you’re still determined to go, please God don’t head out in jeans.

We pull up to the car park – a couple have just got back to their car and are taking off their waterproof jackets and overalls.  We have already made our first monumental error.  Dressed in what I can only describe to be the same clothing I’d wear to take the dog on an Autumnal walk in London, the denim fabric was not kind to me.  Soaked as soon as I got out of the car, I was sure that if I just kept walking, I’d be able to keep the cold at bay.  Bumping into a lad on his way back from the waterfall & seeing that he was in no-longer-pristine white Yeezys, I see that I was not alone in my unpreparedness.  But my relief at seeing him was twofold, as I had the realisation that I wasn’t the most reckless person on the mountain by quite a long stretch - it kept me warm for a little while longer, the thought of his bare, frostbitten ankles, all in the name of fashion.

Tip three - once the cartilage around your knees is approx. 80% frozen, it’s time to turn back.

Cold.  So, so cold.  The sleet had turned to pure snow, beautiful to look at, if you were able to open your eyes that is.  Snow blowing directly into you face at around 65mph feels a bit like having a micro needling facial, so I guess the up side is that at least this one was free.  As people who set off before us were walking back past us, we thought we must be close to the waterfall – in reality, they had reached the open face of the mountain and realised that not only was it freezing, but also hugely unsafe to continue.  The open space to the left of us was covered in a mixture of snow and ice, and the 100ft drop to the right - with only gigantic rocks & an aggressive icy river to break your fall – made me feel like I was in the build-up scenes of 'Casualty', the TV show.  At this point, if you dared to continue walking, then I wish the odds to forever be in your favour, but for me, it was a solid no. 

Tip four - turn back, before you become the couple telling your story to the BBC. 

Don’t be those people.  You know the “we carried on even though we were sure we'd meet an untimely end”, whilst everyone watching it thinks “why didn’t you just go back!”.  The views are incredible.  Breath-taking.  Some of the most picturesque and beautiful natural scenes that I’ve ever seen, but the weather up here is fierce and doesn't take any prisoners.  The drop in temperature meant that the walk back was no longer though muddy puddles, but through snow covered ground and ice-covered rocks. 

Alas, I do not wish for you to shed a tear for me.  It was born of our own stupidity that we ended up on the side of a mountain in minus temperatures.  Dressed in North Face jackets and Timberland boots, the skinny jeans really gave us away as tourists who didn’t have a clue what they were doing.  But now, after a hot shower & a spiced rum, the feeling has finally returned to my extremities.

But in turning back, we saved mountain rescue a job so please ask yourselves – who are the true heroes here?

Stay safe,

The softest Southerner,

Maz x